mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green
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DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around
Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you