mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green
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Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.