mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green
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*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard