Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
You Might Also Like
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.
I call it the “escanow.”
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
oh you like nyc? name every rat
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.