Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.

I went to the candle store today.

They were having a blowout sale.

Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok

*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*

Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*

Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.

HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.

I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.

Son: What’s for dinner

Me: Tater tots

Son: What else?

Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur

There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.

lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”

suspect: what?

lawyer: no further questions your honor

My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.

[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]

Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.

[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]

Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO

ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?

ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h

There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school

No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.

BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today

ME: oh, wow

BARISTA: yup

[awkward pause]

ME: could…could you get it down?

Seek kebab; not attention

*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL

i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it

If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.

I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.

Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10

Me: What music you into?

Date: I love hip hop

Me: Yeah me too

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin

me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux

penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]

me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size

DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*

ME: cmon man

DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*

ME: I’m so hungry, David

Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.

Wife: What? Why?

Me: I was calling her Siri.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I’m naming our next kid.

Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.

When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.

I know this now.

[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]

Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?

7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV

The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.