Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Your problem is your incompetence

Me: I can hold my pee just fine

“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*

I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.

See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.

All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.

In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.

My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”

I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!

“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu

My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.

Birds shit on us because we tweet better.

STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home

ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok

I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!

It squashed all of my doubts…

And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.

Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.

I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…

I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside

Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord

My husband is working from home and he’s still late.

Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.

Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.

Jan 3rd: World War III announced.

Co-worker: *tells story*

Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.

CW: What? It’s not a bad story.

Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.

The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.

I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It

If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….

“You’re saying it’s all an act?

Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.

[having house guests]

Me: omg I need to CLEANNN

[30 minutes later]

Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME