Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?

Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?

Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.

Me: I’m having unusual urges!

Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.

Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.

Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.

haha same

A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.

Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*

“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”

[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes

“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.

[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here

The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.

Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot

7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”

I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.

Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.

He cooked 2 sausages.

Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.

At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.

“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.

I’m doomed.

😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣

I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.

No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.

I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too

5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?

Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze

walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway

Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”

Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.

*Food hits floor*

Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”

King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”

Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up

Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me