Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
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I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille
#parenting
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
About to throw up
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
