Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.

Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath

My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.

Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips

Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.

Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today

Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon

It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.

I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.

Did you know if you hold an armadillo shell up to your ear you can hear what it sounds like to be attacked by an armadillo?

“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point

Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”

{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}

{whispers} planet shoes

If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.

waiting for halloween be like:

Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.

Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.

A local supermarket.

A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”

The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.

The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.

1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?

4.25pm: Yes, of course.

Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning

something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care

My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat

Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair

My cat: it’s perfect I love it

My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.

Quadruple digit IQ

“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”

Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?

Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO

3yo: welcome to my store.

Me: thank you how much for this apple?

3yo: ummm fifty dollars.

Me: wow and these grapes?

3yo: um SIXTY dollars.

Me: geez how about this lemon?

3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!

and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc

People are always calling me “Einstein” so I know I’m super duper smart.

sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”