MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
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WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
I’m giving up for Lent.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
45% of divorces stem from $ issues.
45% are caused by infidelity.
The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.
when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy
Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*