Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
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It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.