Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?

Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?

Him: No

Me: So you’re a liar?

Him:

Me:

Him: Nice yoga pants

Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!

I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.

My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.

You know I’m something of a chef myself

{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.

Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?

If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or

Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?

Amazon: It’s 15% off.

Me: Well, in that case…

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea

i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure

5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?

Me: I don’t know.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?

Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

Cop 1: There’s been another murder

Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging

Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus

I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?

What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression

Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.

Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???

ㅤ

ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:

wat if harry poter was pokemon

Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.

*pulls coin bucket out of freezer

Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED

I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.

I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.

Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.

Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”