Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
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Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.