Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.

Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.

Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.

My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.

Me:

My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.

cellmate: how did you get here

me: i took the train

cellmate: no i mean what did you do

me: i just told you

The heaviest things in the world:

4) iron

3) lead

2) tungsten

1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up

ME: Let’s go get some chicks

[later]

FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind

ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe

“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.

I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.

realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!

Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.

*fuzz moves*

Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!

Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…

He brews.

y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses

My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.

🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing

My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.

I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.

“He fell”

Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?

Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*

Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.

MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.

Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*

Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.

Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?

Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?

Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?

Me: Yeah no, that’s about it

Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.

[grocery store seized by terrorists]

“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle

Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.

I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.

Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop

Son: Why

[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]

Me: He’s a racist

My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”

Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.

My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.