Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.

Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’

Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

Bullshit doesn’t pay the bills unless you’re a politician or in sales

Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?

[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]

…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy

I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)

Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh

-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.

the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to

911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND

It’s 9:00 p.m. And an ice cream truck just blew past my house . Doesn’t he know I can’t run that fast

Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.

Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning

No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.

Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business

Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.

Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.

I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited

I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.

Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.

to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶

Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.

Interviewer: what are your future plans?

Me: lunch

Interviewer: I meant long term plans

Me: what, like dinner?

lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised

the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram

Who called it cremation and not ashashination

Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.

I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.