Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
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Life is a suicide mission.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Good dog. ❤️
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
“I’m helping” 😅
RT if you know someone like this!!!
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!