My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
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ME: any advice
DAD: its ok to embellish a little
[later at job interview]
INTERVIEWER: tell me about yourself
M: i wrote harry potter
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Anyway, do you have a baby hedgehog?
*I take a deep breath and roll my eyes*
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
robber 1: *puts ski mask on head* you grab the money while i kiss all the bankers
robber 2: huh?
robber 1: uh i meant kill *hides lipstick*
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.