Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
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Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Extremely relatable.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.