Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
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Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture