Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
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3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
only 11 steps left
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Baking is just science you can eat.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
