Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.

Me: Grab me the red one

Dog: Not funny

Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried

Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?

the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?

[Surprise party for girlfriend]

Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*

GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?

Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.

Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.

I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal

Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.

“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate

I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.

I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.

vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash

*uses Ouija board*

ＮＥＷ ＰＨＯＮＥ ＷＨＯ ＤＩＳ

[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.

1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.

-mental notes I take watching crime tv.

Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.

#Caturday

Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.

Let’s get started

These are called scissors

*collective aww*

Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org

When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.

I was working in the yard.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.

I hit it with a shovel.

I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead

People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.

Breaking up

(be mature, be mature, be mature)

Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.

Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.

these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]