Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
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With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.