Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
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Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
6: are snakes just neck?
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
drew a comic about my origin story
