Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
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Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
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My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice