Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands

#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.

One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.

The other says: Moo!

Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.

Someone wants you to stop at the store.

In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.

ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness

STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no

My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.

Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!

Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.

Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat

Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?

*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*

Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…

whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him

STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-

ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all

sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location

A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”

I put her in my pocket and took her home.

She’s mine now.

Children of the corn 🌽

Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.

Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner

If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?

#SpinachDay

Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no

*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.

The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.

Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.

Enter password:

“ScoobyDoo”

sorry password must contain a special character

ScoobydooFeaturingBatman

People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?

“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”

Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.

Partner: One of us?

Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.

Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.

I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?