Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter: *calling up the steps

Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.

Me: *appears wearing just a toga

All set.

Son: am I adopted?

Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.

Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas

1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!

Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.

Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great

*Sends carrier pigeon back*

“I have a suitor.”

me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!

McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?

A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.

You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.

I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso

[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”

My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”

Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.

If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.

The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.

I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.

my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.

Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.

My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…

I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”

If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.

[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?

*Refrigerator hums loudly*

I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?

I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him

Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.

Me: Don’t push me.

Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.

Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good

“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”

“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”

“And run the hospital cafeteria!”

“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”

It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.

Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.