MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
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If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Become ungovernable.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.