Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh

Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩

The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.

You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.

If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.

my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you

me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?

I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.

Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.

[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]

You OK?

Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.

my name if I was in the mob

Do one person every day that scares you.

Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?

My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.

Found a free bandaid at the pool.

If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?

The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.

superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling

batman: dude, you can fly…

superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder

batman: what

When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.

If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.

“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”

FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time

You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…

I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.

My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too

I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate

As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver

it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance

Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home

Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.

6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.

Me: That’s pretty impressive.

6: Let me know if you need my help.

I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.