Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?

I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone

Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.

I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.

I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.

I just have a thing for really bad cookies.

My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.

My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?

My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”

Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.

Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.

I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.

*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”

British people: Unicycle

American people: Collegecycle

Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this

I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.

[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”

Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.

This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.

Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.

Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard

Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good

I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…

[feeding baby Malaysian food]

“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises*

*spoon just disappears*

I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.

The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today

Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.

*[at the sperm bank]*

I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.

Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.

Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.

I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!

My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?

(to the tune of We Will Rock You)

I feed my dog dog food