Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.

The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.

I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them

Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—

*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact

Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.

Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.

*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*

7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?

The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..

I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do

Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

Me, starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit

9am: one slice of cake instead of two

Mosquito *bites a vampire*:

Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!

You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.

[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah

[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”

Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*

Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids

I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance

I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.

if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot

Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner

People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?

Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude

Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.

cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?

One time I wanted to avoid all the PTA moms, so I told them my cupcakes were store bought.

me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up

boss: hey we’re in a meeting

me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me

Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’

Hubby : It’s a scarf!

14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.