[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
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My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.