MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
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She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
I think I’ll stand
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.