Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?

Me: yeah, kind of like-

*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*

Son: like that?

Me: exactly like that

I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.

DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog

Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

A Pringles Tube but for Donuts

me: WTF all the shelves are empty

sales guy: yeah this is Ikea

Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?

Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?

A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.

My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re extremely critical

me: so they’re awake, that’s good

20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists

30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn

40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people

you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea

Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!

Teen: rolls eyes

Me: how d’ya like them apples?

Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*

why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb

I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.

This could be us… but you playing

Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow

People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be

my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea

I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.

lol

Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”

Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.

Me: Will it make my dinner?

D: No but-

M: Good talk.

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”

McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.

A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.

When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.