Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them

That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.

[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady

I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…

Is there a sale on stupidity, cause that shit is everywhere.

Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.

I need to get organized and plan ahead

*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey

People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”

Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”

People: “No, not like that.”

Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”

People: “Wait…”

Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years

Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.

*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend

Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.

[rooster sits down in barber chair]

Give me a cockadoodledo

imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down

Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?

Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker

I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.

We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.

Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.

2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.

Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.

My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.

Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.

My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time

my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs

whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails