MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
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When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
All. The. Damn. Time.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white