MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
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Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
waiter: did you enjoy your meal
me: honestly not really
waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos