MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
You Might Also Like
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can鈥檛 accidentally touch your face.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Kids: We鈥檙e hungry!
Me: You鈥檙e in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
My political views don鈥檛 have to be the same as your political views and that鈥檚 ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.
LOL
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 馃檹馃従
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don鈥檛 eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Happy Friday
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!