MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
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[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished
until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
won’t smith
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond