Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.

Risking my life for fun.

Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.

does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?

Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days

Therapist: What’s the problem?

Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things

Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan

Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast

Pet toad: WHAT

Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.

[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY

My dad is at it again

Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science

[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]

When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.

Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.

Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.

Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.

kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication
me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that

The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”

I whispered back, “bring pizza”

Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!

Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?

Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.

Dorothy: …What else you got?

I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.

Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

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[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”

BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!

“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”

People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.

Person: What’s your handicap?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.

looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30

If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.

Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.

[1st date]

-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.