MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
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You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.