MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
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Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Nobody:
Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.