Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet

I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.

Best spot.. 😅

[at Home Depot]

Cashier: That’ll be $25

Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it

Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84

Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission

One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T

The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”

Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.

PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels

HER: Shouldn’t it be –

HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

ME: I dreamed about you last night

PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir

Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.

You should be tunashamed of yourself!

Look what the cat dragged in!

*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*

You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?

I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.

So that’s what we looked like?

My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t

There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.

Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?

The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers

When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:

*scampers over to ice cream truck*

Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.

Me: I’m really at the end of my rope

Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING

The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there

A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.

My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.

Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.

“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife

Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?

Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.

Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.