Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.

If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.

What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.

Him: tell me about your longest relationship

Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?

Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.

Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like

“You’re beautiful on the inside.”

– Me, to a Twinkie

What element do criminals hate to see?

Copper

What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?

Impeccable.

Hospice was my favorite spice girl,

into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma

*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*

I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you

Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……

E – I – E – I – O…..

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?

Because the rest were not-E.

Alligators can live for up to 100 years.

So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”

TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.

#lifehacks

[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha

The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.

tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win

On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.

I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.

Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?

My cat:…

[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*

Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-

My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON

INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:

Happy April Fools!!!

VS.

Happy April, Fools!!!

“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”

Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.

My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.

don’t we all

My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.

Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?

<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahh

Yeah, I felt that.