MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
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Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
*pronounces fake like saké*
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.