“Everyone has at least one novel inside them”
– Baffled airport security rectal examiner at the end of a long, confusing shift
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
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The human brain starts working the moment you’re born and never stops until your wife asks where you were last night.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Today, I saw that my ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.
batsignal illuminates the night
*mothman slams right into it*