Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
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The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.