Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
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Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.
Yes 😂
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
If you don’t have personal demons, store bought is fine.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no