Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.

Tonight’s parenting lesson:

If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.

I need a shower.

[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww

I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.

If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up

Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.

Them: Why?

Me: My car is haunted.

Them: Haunted?

Me: So haunted.

When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.

Me: *buys anything at the store*

Wife: Was it on sale?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use a coupon?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use your discount card?

Me: Oops.

Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.

Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.

Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.

Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.

[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]

Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.

If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!

Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials

After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?

Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.

Look at phone to see what the time is.

Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check Twitter

Still no clue what the time is.

acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog

Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.

My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.

Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.

Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.

Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’

Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…

The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂

Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off

Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.

People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire

[Driving]

HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!

ME: Jealous?

We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.