Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
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I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones