Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.

Her: is the game almost over?

Me: this is just the first half

Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?

Me: you’re pretty

I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.

I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide

My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework

My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?

Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.

This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!

Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭

*Cleans house*

*looks at family*

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”

[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader

Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.

Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.

That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers

“TGIM!” – My liver

I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’

I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now

Him: What’s your fantasy, baby

Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS

Love this one 😂🧟

[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?

[Lingerie store]

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.

Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around

My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little

Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope

My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.

I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.