Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.
You Might Also Like
heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
A completely valid reaction tbh