Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
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You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???