Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
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Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Thinking of taking Easter decorations down
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*