Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
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It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
I’ve been off for 6 days. I’m afraid I’m too feral to go back to work.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Chicago sounds lovely.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.