-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
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A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
FRIENDS is off Netflix now? Well, this just hasn’t been my day, my week, my month, or even my year!
[first day as a dog trainer]
*begins loading cargo on mile-long line of poodles*
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long