@leftarmisme
@Angibangie
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
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@Angibangie
@CrunkDriver
Welcome to your 40s, sometimes you sleep so poorly you injure yourself
@EvanSilliams
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
@simoncholland
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
@junejuly12
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
@Robert_Beau
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
@knot_eye
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
@dugglebutt
FRIENDS is off Netflix now? Well, this just hasn’t been my day, my week, my month, or even my year!
@justokpanda
[first day as a dog trainer]
*begins loading cargo on mile-long line of poodles*
@WinningByARose
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long