Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.

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-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?

-It’s haunted by a low level demon

Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful


Welcome to your 40s, sometimes you sleep so poorly you injure yourself


A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.


Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.


I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.


I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.


FRIENDS is off Netflix now? Well, this just hasn’t been my day, my week, my month, or even my year!


[first day as a dog trainer]

*begins loading cargo on mile-long line of poodles*


Looking for a date, he must

-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long