Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
You Might Also Like
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
(Jupiter –
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza