Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
You Might Also Like
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
fired
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.