Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
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signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
[single drop of rain falls on ground]
Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
This joke is 7 years old
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business