Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
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Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks