Much like lasagna, I’m just held together by cheese at this point
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Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Another year of doing the same thing next to a slightly different number, nice call
The real reason evolution started..😂
I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Talk about a bad egg
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary