Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”

Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire

“Shelley’s coming over.”

“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”

*gets hit in the face with poop*

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.

These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich

If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.

Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.

when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold

Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*

Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.

I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.

heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”

It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?

Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.

Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.

Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)

I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.

In marriage, there are two conversations:

The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.

Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you

*watching Hoarders

Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.

[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body

There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: ok

ME: APRIL FOOL’S

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.

My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.

doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?

me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas