Much like lasagna, I’m just held together by cheese at this point
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With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.