Much like lasagna, I’m just held together by cheese at this point
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Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Google Pay be like:
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
i wish we could shoplift online
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.