@LDLevesque

Much like #Skynet, the dirty dishes in my sink have achieved self awareness.

You Might Also Like

@KrangTNelson

I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me: so where do you go to school

new babysitter: It’s private

me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone

@SeanINCypress

Beer is so smart that if you drink enough, right around your midsection, it builds a shelf for you to rest bottles on.

@JaneBadall

My son just paced back and forth dictating his letter to Santa like a high-powered CEO.

Forget Prada, the Devil wears Ironman pyjamas.

@fro_vo

WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go

@Darlainky

I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.

@trumpetcake

My new coloring book, How To Tell The Woman You Love You’ve Been Living In Her Shrubs For A Year, comes out on tUESsdhay martha i love you