Much like #Skynet, the dirty dishes in my sink have achieved self awareness.

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I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs


me: so where do you go to school

new babysitter: It’s private

me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone


Beer is so smart that if you drink enough, right around your midsection, it builds a shelf for you to rest bottles on.


My son just paced back and forth dictating his letter to Santa like a high-powered CEO.

Forget Prada, the Devil wears Ironman pyjamas.


WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go


I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.


My new coloring book, How To Tell The Woman You Love You’ve Been Living In Her Shrubs For A Year, comes out on tUESsdhay martha i love you