Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*tree falls in the forest*

*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad

I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see

Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.

I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.

why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles

Cop: freeze sucker

Me: it’s called a popsicle

I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.

Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.

Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.

Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.

Husband getting dressed:

Me: Purple and green don’t go together.

Husband: It works for the Joker.

Me: My point exactly.

A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.

7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?

Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.

STOP MAKING IT WEIRD

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.

911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY

My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes

One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.

[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice

LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?

CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.

Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting

it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years

Head Chef: You’re fired.

Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-

Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.

Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….

[camping]

“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”

-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.

5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.