Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: do you know what sarcasm is?

daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father

me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…

please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!

Actual text from 17 y/o son:

kin u com bi nd swoop me?

I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home

Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”

“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression

Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.

presenting your incognito window wrapped

Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.

[God creating burps]

Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?

Angel: yes sir

O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!

Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*

Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*

12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me

25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid

50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid

Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild

Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”

News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”

Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”

I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”

a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe

Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.

big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings

give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.

I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends

Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”

Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”

In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz

Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job

Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.

Food puns are my love language

…what, they make me corny.

[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone

[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how

Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.

Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.