Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?

Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since

[sees hot girl in bar]

me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?

her: give me back my ring

Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough

Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life

Wife: Yes of course!

Medium: He has something to say to you

Wife: omg go on

Medium: woof

it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands

Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though

i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made

[Everyday]

Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?

Hubs: what?

Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.

If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.

Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine

toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.

Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?

Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.

Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?

i will avenge u mr van gogh

Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?

that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)

15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.

Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47

Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”

Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”

I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.

Signs your wife is cheating:

1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend

The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.

Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .

My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:

“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”