Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.

Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”

H: It’s called a wine stopper.

Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”

The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.

Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.

If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up

Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.

“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB

i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle

When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.

One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.

I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops

I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”

The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over

my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35

me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”

Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:

I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.

My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.

been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.

crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle

Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.

Me: Well this is awkward.

It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again

If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it

In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.

Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.

ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died

BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year

ME: yeah she’s a cat

Excited to announce I’m launching my own coin off a skyscraper to see if it’s true it’ll kill someone

Son: Being an adult is easier

Me: No way, childhood is

Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES

*Shooting star flies overhead*

Son: Wait this sucks

Me: No take backs

The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.

Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!

*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.