Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
