Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
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I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
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8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
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First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”