much to think about
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NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
don’t be scared
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
apparently this year was written by stephen king
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Very problematic
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.