Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
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mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…