Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?

My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice

Good questions to ask on a first date:

*Do you have any siblings?

*What was your major in college?

*Is that your original skin?

*Do you think the humans suspect anything?

*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?

*What kind of music do you like?

Etc.

Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.

My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.

That came out of nowhere.

Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.

Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.

If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.

I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.

Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?

i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.

When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom

Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…

I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full

me, carrying 8 grocery bags:

Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes

Me: I feel good

My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”

Dear autocorrect,

I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.

Quit your shit.

[lava kids playing in a volcano]

“the floor is linoleum!”

Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?

8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!

*Cleans glasses*

“Omg I have a cat?”

we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”

beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever

The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.

Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.

I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”

I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.

Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.