Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
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Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
sigh
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
[giving eulogy for coworker]
Gary is on mute forever now.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Just a bush.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed