Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
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“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.