Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
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Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–
–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?
–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.
😬
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class