Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll be there in five minutes

Pharmacist: It should be ready

Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*

Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes

Me: I KNEW IT

Watching drunk twins fight.

The similarities are staggering, and striking.

Putting tin foil on my beard to cover the leftovers that fall in there.

tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate

Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.

If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.

[first day in a hair band]

Singer: you’re bald

Me: yes, I lied on my resume

Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd

Me: um technically the plural is *fish*

I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.

“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”

When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere

When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by

Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.

“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”

Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.

therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?

me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters

therapist: get out

Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.

me: i recently lost my job

date: oh no what happened

me: the office relocated and i can’t find it

Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?

That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”

Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.

I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”

“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point

My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..

I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.

Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.

9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*

Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.

I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE

Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.

Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.