Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My life in a nutshell

Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.

by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you

Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.

Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.

Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees

cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit

Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.

[First day as a surgeon]

Me: Oops…..

[Last day as surgeon]

IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe

Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me

IRS: …

Me: hello?

IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail

Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.

There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes

Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”

[Pre-School pick up]

Wife: what did you learn today?

Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.

Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.

Daughter: snakes got no legs.

Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.

Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

[the purge alarm blares in the distance]

ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*

Tony Hawk: *does a 360*

Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.

Print is alive and well!!!

[planning a family vacation]

Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.

Kids: Yayy, cool!

Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?

M: About 45 feet, I guess

W: I despise you

At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real

Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.

We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.

I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.

Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”

friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally

My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of

Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.

Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece

my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)